The Bridezilla are a special breed of woman. Not everyone can be one, and not every ‘Zilla exhibits the traits until a sudden glint of a diamond suddenly switches something in their brains.
Here are the easy steps you must follow:
1. Cry with disappointment when your boyfriend proposes. Tell him that you really want to marry him, but simply can’t do that unless you’re wearing a 3 carat Tiffany ring.
2. Choose a wedding color down to the shade. Make sure that you won’t allow any variances, it must be THAT color, no exceptions.
3. Approach your bridal shop, hairstylist and makeup artist with a photo of EXACTLY what you want to look like. It doesn’t matter that the model is 16 years old, 6 feet tall and Brazilian with thick, lucious hair and full lips. You want to look exactly like her. If they can’t make it happen, they’re just trying to ruin your day.
4. Be super un-crafty, then decide you want to make your own bridesmaid jewelry and favor boxes. Rely heavily on your bridesmaids to do all the work — including scouting materials and buying wirecutters to put those D*#@ earrings together. Then complain that you wanted them longer (shorter, wider, more jeweled).
5. Designate a specific “bridesmaid hairstyle” and do not waiver. Make your bridesmaids get extensions if they must… there will be NO short hair in this wedding!
6. Choose Kate Spade or Christian Louboutin shoes for your bridesmaids and make them buy them. Its not your problem that they’re $500. If they won’t buy them, you can always find another bridesmaid who will.
7. Ask your groom-to-be for his opinion after you’ve made up your mind. Then tell him he’s an idiot if he disagrees.
8. Send your invitation proofs back 6 times. Those colors were too dark, light, greenish, dusty, crisp, too… just not right.
9. Don’t trust your groom. You can’t possibly allow him to watch a game at a sports bar. You KNOW he’s looking at other girls! Just let him know, “no more boys nights.”
10. Continue your control by making sure that you have joint bachelor/bachelorette parties — What could be more fun? You and your girls, he and his friends all eating dinner then having drinks… woo hoo!
11. Choose your caterer based on price. You get what you pay for, right? That means that the prime rib and chicken will be extra tasty if they cost $120/person. Besides, your parents have to pay for that — and they want their princess to be happy!
12. Register only at Tiffany & Co., Waterford and Nordstrom (but only for the Vera Wang China). There’s no reason to ask for something affordable; its your wedding, you don’t want cheap junk.
13. Give your photographer a list of 260 photos she MUST take. Make sure to include names of the people to include, but don’t bother including photos or descriptions of those people. The photographer will figure it out.
14. Throw a fit when your bakery delivery person arrives 10 minutes late. They ruined your wedding! Ruined it! Don’t stand for it, demand a refund and throw something at the delivery person for effect.
15. Tell your bridesmaid how ungrateful and selfish they are at your reception. Especially since they chose to get drunk and wouldn’t get up to catch the bouquet. Divorce them as friends.
16. Forget to send thank you cards for the useless crap people got you as gifts. You didn’t register at Target, which means they shouldn’t buy you stuff from Target. What a waste of time to open that stupid gift.
17. After the honeymoon: wonder why nobody will return your phonecalls and your boring husband seems “distant.”
p.s. This in intended to be humorous (if only mildly).
Did I forget anything? Let me know!